So i jumped the bandwagon this week and joined twitter. I think it is a person with A.D.D’s wildest dream. I added the twitter gadget to my igoogle homepage and now I can basically share all my random thoughts with the cyberworld whenever I want. I also update directly from twitter to facebook. Oh dear lord the connectivity.

I can hear my Mom saying, “why do you need to do that” (yes, you Mom, one of the five readers of my blog).  I don’t need it, no one probably cares what I’m thinking at any given moment. But that is where we are in the me generation. We are in a place where we all have a little a.d.d. We have a constant need to release all of the thoughts that fill our brains moving a mile a minute. And it is a dream for me. I often burden so many people with my unstoppable oversharing. This gives me a way to let it out without boring people or taking their time. If they don’t want to read it, they don’t have to (ew poor grammar).

I’m not really sure where this 24/7 communication cycle will relax or if this will just be a status quo. But I’m open to following and being followed on the “interweb” for a a while.

So off I go. Tweet. Tweet.

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. We will mark this day at our Episcopal school by participating in a liturgy for the day and having ashes imposed on our foreheads to remind us that “we are dust and to dust we shall return”.  It is the beginning of the season of Lent. The marking of the forty days leading to the rising of Christ at Easter.  In this time we walk with Jesus as he faces the trials of temptation, betrayal, false accusation, and finally crucifixtion. We will rejoice upon his resurrection but for now we wait.

Many traditions look to this as a time of simplicity, a time of sacrifice.  Many of our children at school embrace a token “discipline” during this time. I will do so as well, giving up my two favorite food items-ice cream and coca-cola, as a symbolic gesture of sacrifice. But, these are trivial things. Luxuries.

In order to truly find discipline, I must take an area in which I lack in my humanity or Christianity and attempt to make it whole. To fight back my own sinful temptation and make myself impervious to its wrangle.  For me, this is laziness. Most of my friends would say, “but you’re so busy.” But alas, I am only as busy as I choose to be (thanks JME). I’m busy in my work life, but yet I let go of what is really important for the sake of trying to get on the right side of the finances. What can I replace or change to spend more time in prayer? What can I get rid of that will allow me to really spend quality time in community with loved ones?

I do not, as usual, have the answers as of yet. I pray that as the season of Lent moves forward that I will not look upon it with the same glibness as I did advent. I pray that I might finally find that balance of true discipline; for I truly believe that it is in this that I will be the most happy.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God,

and rewnew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from your presnece,

and take not your holy Spirit from me.”  Psalm 51:11-12

Our amazing chaplain at school preached on I Corinthians 13. A wonderful and important chapter, used in weddings, commitments, rituals and the such. A chapter I know by heart.

But not a chapter I try to dwell on at this current life state. I know that it is not about romantic love, it is about God’s love. God’s love never ends, and thank Him for that. But how, as a Christian, do you wrap your head and heart around human love ending? How do you embrace that the only love you need is God but you still have the human longing to be a wife (partner)? How do you hold onto the few precious glimpses you had a traditional family and learn to regain strength as on your own? Answer: God, easy. But is it really? No.

I am loved. I have an amazing family and friends. I have an amazing God who has never left my side. I teach children who make me feel like a million bucks every day. But I still feel like a part of my heart is missing and I only pray that it grows back bigger like John Cusack says in Must Love Dogs. 🙂

Love Never Ends. Thank God for that.

From my Starbucks cup today…

“The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating — in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life. –Anne Morriss (*bucks customer in NYC)

I love to commit myself to things. I’m an “overcommitter” if you will; proud to be one. I agree with her in that making a commitment does free oneself from having to go through the internal struggle of decision making. But over-commitment leads to a much greater mental strife–the creation of priorities. What comes first and what comes last? Ah the peril of the busy.

This morning I drove to school in the beautiful snow fall. A lovely drive, albeit slow and late. As I approached the top of the hill on Gold Mine Rd. my car decided to spin out in s formation and turn 180 degrees in the road. Through the grace of God I missed both ditches and a mailbox and no other cars occupied the road.

After praising God for his protection I proceeded along my way, slowly. Then God made me laugh, the next song on the cd, Third Day’s Slow Down. (ha ha ha)

“Tell me to slow down if you think that the road that I’m on’s goin’ no where. Tell me to slow down if you know that I’m going to fast for my own good.”

Praise to God for his protection and his humor.

Hit the pool last night after two weeks away from the water. Ah how I feel like a fish. I feel like I belong when I’m in the pool. I rarely feel like a failure. I like to push myself and work hard.

Last night was a great way to shake off a tense day. I wish I could always remember that and seek the solace of the pool before I seek the solace of ice cream.

I was moved (permanently) to the “fast lane” last night. I was the tail of the lane, but managed to keep up most of the way. It wasn’t until after practice that I learned I would be staying in that lane which means that I’m going to get a good tail whipping every week in the water. I hope this will push me to be stronger and to work harder as the end lane endures the wake of all other lanes providing a more open water feel.

Hopefully my gills will grow in soon.

There was just no way I was going to endure two hours outside on my bicycle in 20 degrees on Saturday so instead after a good long pot of coffee I used my fancy-schmancy trainer. Instead of putting on crazy Coach Troy and getting my rear kicked, I made up my own workout. I share it with you to give you a small indication of how I’m a crazy West Wing Fanatic. I put in a DVD from season 6 with a crap-shoot as to what episode would show up. It just so happened to be “Drought Conditions”.

A quick synopsis for those of you who aren’t nuts about the show (skip this paragraph if you are not a West Winger). We are in the beginnings of the campaign cycle for a new President. Josh Lyman (my boyfriend) is serving as CM for Matt Santos, leaving Toby even more bitter than before in the West Wing. Also in this episode, you see Toby, in mouring of the suicidal loss of his astronaut brother David, having meetings in a bar with a woman who you learn in the end is Sen. Rafferty. In a side story, Leo and CJ are meeting with Cliff Calley (yum) to discuss the water lobby and subsequently to offer him the job of D.C.S., the position vacated by Josh. Whew….a good episode with a great ending between Kate and Will as well as the infamous Josh/Toby fist-fight.

Upon realizing which episode this was, I determined my plan of attack. In the scenes between Sen. Rafferty (Mel Harris) and Toby I would shift into a big gear and push up a hill. This was about six times in the course of a 42 minute episode. During the world’s most awesome fist fight (josh-toby), I would sprint at 100+ rpm.  This was two scenes. During any and all other scenes I would keep a steady spin of 80-90 rpms working up a good deal of sweat!!  In the last scene between Will and Kate I decided the tension needed a hill, so I had about a two min. steady climb before sprinting during the closing credits.  A fantastic overall workout!!

Perhaps for long rides I will choose my favorite movie and create a plan of attack ahead of time. I can just imagine how I could create a workout for The American President or for The Sweetest Thing….ha ha ha!

So my reality check 5k yesterday did its job. I had a reality check and left part of my lungs out on Hesperus Drive…

Whenever I’m in a training slump, I sign up for a race to see if I can be a game day player or if I really need to put some work in. Yesterday it was the latter. A cold early morning start of a super hilly 5k reminded me that one does not achieve goals out of their a*&, but rather through consistent hard work. It is now time to get back on the training wagon and get my rear in gear. IM is only 223 days away.

I took off too fast, as usual, but knew that it was a 5k so it would be fine. A 6:46 first mile split assured to me that, indeed, I was going out at my normal break neck pace. Then came the first hill. We do this hill on Hesperus all the time. But racing and training are two different things. I got passed pretty quickly, but hoped to maintain some semblance of pride as I trucked up. Next, it was into the neighborhood of my elementary years. Every time I go into Beaverbrook, my heart quells a bit for the wonderful memories. As fate would be, our turn around would be a sharp left directly in front of 5138 Durham Rd. W. The home of my early days….(small tear shed). Up the huge hilly by the elementary bully’s house and then back out the gol darn hesperus…ick. Going back is so much more challenging than going out. “To Longfellow, to the top” spoke my inner monologue. And then, upon passing my favorite elem. school the final hill remained. “last one, last one” But at this point, my legs were shot, my lungs were heavy and my ability to push was taxed. Turn. Turn. A cheer from a friend!! last turn to the chute. Ick, was that my time?? SLOW!!!

Reality check accomplished. Get tush back on the roads and stop being so lazy!

(For the record: 23:17, 6th OA woman, 50th OA, 1st in AG—it was a slow women’s field except for SS, the winner, who rocks…)

From my daily calendar (thanks LB) today….

“None of us is perfect. We all makes mistakes, and we can learn to obey our own conscience if we can be big enough to say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t treat you right, I’ll do better next time.” If you remain sensitive and maintain a clear conscience, there’s no limit to what God will do in your life”–Joel Osteen

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.” Matthew 5:6

I wonder perhaps about those of us who face the other end of that apology from time to time, we too, have a role in clearing the conscience of another. Forgiveness. Matthew’s gospel also reminds us that we are to forgive “seventy-seven times” (18:21). This provides a lofty weight for those of us on the broken end of the bargain; we must be aware of this and not be led to make it a power play. We must seek to forgive even when forgiveness has not been desired. For this, I believe, is a true example of grace.

God just knows. He just knew that I needed to get well. So, he doused the mid-Atlantic with pearly white snow and glossed it off with a sheen of ice to prevent all children everywhere (and their teachers) from attending classes. Ah, rest. Joyous, blissful, goal-less rest.

Thanks to God for the rest for my health.