I spent almost two hours on Sunday in Centennial Lake serving as a Buddy Swimmer for a soon-to-be Iron Girl triathlete. “E” and I went 1100 yards in that lake so she could be ready for the sprint tri in three weeks. She was very nervous, terrified actually, to get into that muddy water and get to the big orange buoy then back. I tried to reassure her as best as I could before we got in the water and once we got in, we did a few dunks and then slowly began the trek out and back.

Along the way she expressed herself, her fears, and her pain in making the journey. It is a huge physical and mental undertaking to swim in open water for the first time. Especially when surrounded by spandex clad women who show up on practice day just to show off their muscles and show they can do it in under 20 minutes. (Really ladies, this day is not for you, but that’s another story…) I felt so honored that she would express her vulnerability to me, a stranger in a speedo. She apologized, a lot. Too much. I felt a constant need to remind her that she didn’t need to apologize to me or, more importantly,  apologize for herself. She was up at 6am on a Saturday practicing a swim workout. While the rest of the 99% of America was still snoozing. I tried to re-assure her as best as possible and to remind her of her strength.

We made it. One buoy and kayak at a time, to the end and back. On her back, front, and side, whatever felt best to her to keep her in a forward motion. She made it to that beach again in one piece and expressing tears of great pride. I felt great pride in that she had conquered that fear.

One of the kayakers asked me if they would have Buddy Swimmers on race day and I told her no. But they won’t need us on race day. We have “held their hands” for them to conquer the fear of that water. And now they are free to flip their proverbial fins and swim like dolphins. It was the time of empowerment they needed to believe in their capabilities.

I think we all need this from time to time. Someone to hold our hand as we try something new so that we can trust ourselves. The people around us already trust in our abilities. Our loved ones already know what we are capable of accomplishing. God already knows the gifts He has given us to use to His glory. But we are sometimes the last ones to believe in ourselves.

I am so grateful for the people who have held my hand when I didn’t trust I could do things. When I didn’t think that I could get to the other side of the river. When I didn’t believe that I could pedal one more step. When I didn’t think I could leave or change. My hand holders are a great blessing that I hope I don’t take for granted.

Do you need a hand to hold to get you to the next step? Just let me know, I have two.

Today’s question of the day at  LoveFeast Table, is

“What is your word? One word, right now in this time and place that describes you?  Don’t think long. What is the first word that comes to mind?”

The word that comes to mind for me is ANTICIPATION. There are so many new things in my life right now. My new job as a tech facilitator and not a music teacher. Our new apartment in a new community. A new marathon training cycle. I look at all these changes with a heart of anticipation. An excitement of the unknown. Jumping into the waves of change with both feet.

Today is my 33rd birthday. Here I begin a new year of life. I have deemed this the year of Eddie Murray. Eddie Murray is a quintessential example of my childhood joys. He was the best first baseman the Orioles have ever had and we spent many a summer day chanting “Ed-die” in Memorial Stadium on 33rd Street in Baltimore. Orioles baseball is all about happiness for me. At this point, I could only name a few players, for my fandom hey-dey ended after Cal left. The vibrant green of the grass, the dancing Oriole bird, the smell of Esskay hot dogs, the soft-serve in the helmets, the crack of the bat, the shouts of “Charge”, the John Denver 7th inning stretch. It is all delight to me. The game is almost secondary to the entire experience of going to the game.

It is this collection of memories that remind me that small things add up to a great sum of  joy. The last five years have brought great ups and downs of life; more than I thought I could endure. Now as I begin a new year with a new job, new apartment, new community, and my love, I feel as though I must take advantage of the little blessings. With each little happiness, my joy grows stronger and my heart can endure slips and slides with ease. Counting each new day and each little positive moment and placing them into the cup that continually runneth over.

So I use the analogy of my favorite baseball player #33, Eddie Murray, as a reminder of these joys all year long. Just like a full count in the last out of the 9th inning, I can’t wait to see what this year will bring for me.

I have an addiction to buying nutrition bars. It is a complete waste of money as I often buy them and never eat them.(I am drawn to the pretty packaging and the colors!) I buy Raw Revolution, Clif, ProBars, lots of other nerdy green things, and of course, Larabars. I am not particularly into the raw lifestyle but when I was first exploring new diets several years ago and cut out gluten for a while, I tried these. Yum, who wouldn’t like a bar that tastes like chocolate peanut butter cookie or pecan pie?

However, the expense was crazy and so once again inspired by Chef Katelyn and by reading the packaging of this lovely yummy product, I decided to take a hand at creating my own. There will be no picture on this first round of recipe trying because they aren’t blog pretty worthy, but they turned out pretty tasty and I am also able to make them smaller than a typical LB. I often feel full before I finish a typical bar, so I appreciate this portion control.

Here is what I used and how I did it:

Sarah’s Choco-Cranberry Bars

• 2 cups of pitted dates
• 1 cup of cashews
• 1/2 cup of dried cranberries
• 1/2 cup of dark chocolate chunks
• 2 tbsp of chia seeds
• 2 tbsp of flax seeds
• 1 tsp of cinnamon

1.  Pulverize the cashews into small bits in the mini-prep. Remove and do the same thing with dates. (I had to do multiple batches of dates)

2. Combine in a large bowl with hands. Add extra chopped dates if needed for “stickiness”

3.  Add seeds to the mixture (these are optional but add texture and nutrition)

4.  Add “extras” to the mixture (these are what give them their “flavor”

5. Spread out on a flat sheet and flatten to even texture, desired thickness. Cut into evenly distributed pieces.

6. Wrap in plastic wrap and store in the fridge. EAT!

 

Next Monday starts a new training cycle. I have happily and enthusiastically agreed to run the Philly marathon with my awesome little sister to celebrate her 26th year with 26 miles! I feel like I am starting from beyond ground zero. In the spring of 2002 when I decided to run, 9 years ago, I could barely walk or run a mile. Here I am years later and feeling like I’m stepping up to the starting line from scratch again. I can run a little bit further now without too much trouble but every aspect of any relative “speed” I once had is gone. Completely. This has been a hard pill to swallow; a big giant pill called pride.

So I went running yesterday and took a scary risk to join a new club in my new town. It was so scary at first, but then I met up with lovely people and ran 5.33 miles! I haven’t run that far in months. It felt so good. Then I looked at the elapsed time. I felt a twinge of that stupid pride stuff and felt a bit down. But I quickly kicked that thought to the curb and felt so happy. I have found the starting line and now it is time to pick up the feet and go.

I’m excited about the possibility of running with frequency. I have set my first week schedule and it may be a bit lofty, but with a long run of only 6 miles, I think I can do it. I will need constant reminders that pride is a worthless negative force and that each new step is to be celebrated. It is not about who you used to be at the starting line; it is that you are there at all.

“The Courage to Start”….

 

For the last six days, I have been deep Into the Woods. I say that figuratively in that I am not on some sort of vision quest or hiking the AT; I am doing Stephen Sondheim‘s Into the Woods in Chicago. Several months ago my best friend JE asked me to perform Cinderella in a whirlwind six day boards to show production with The Guerilla Project to benefit his school’s performing arts programs. When I heard that I would have the chance to sing with good friends, how could I resist? So I went through all of the craziness of spring while still attempting to learn a musical with the most words I have ever seen and absolutely no entrances on beat one.

Last Sunday we all converged upon the Catherine Cook School in Old Town Chicago and had a run through. I was HORRID. I missed most of my entrances, had no idea what I was doing, and was intimidated within an inch of my life. I told K that I wanted to come home. I was so scared and didn’t know how I could possibly learn and memorize this entire musical within a week.

This week has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Rehearsing for 10+ hours each day, putting together costumes, sets, props, and doing all of it on about 5 hours of sleep each night. By Wednesday I thought there was no way it was going to happen. Every scene I was in was stilted by my lack of memory. I have two falls on stage and through repeated practice I have developed an array of bruises and scrapes that rival a rugby player. I felt like my castmates were being let down by me. But, we kept rehearsing and counting and speaking and working through each intricate bit. On Thursday we took a long break and were told no singing or thinking about the show for at least 30 minutes. This made a huge difference. The run through on Thursday night was definitely better than any other rehearsal.

We performed our first two of three shows yesterday. The children’s performance went quite well. The evening full run didn’t go as well, why not skip an entire verse of my solo?! But it was FUN. To paraphrase my character, “to arrive at a (show) is exciting and all once your there though it’s scary!” After the performance, the entire cast enjoyed spending time together with plenty of wine and there was a lovely camaraderie. I no longer felt like the carpet bagger of the cast and more like a valued member of the ensemble.

It has been over ten years since I have been in a musical. It has been almost as long since I sang any kind of significant solo. It has felt so amazing to sing out and perform. I truly do enjoy it and feel quite delighted when I get to look into the stage lights and rip out “On the Steps of the Palace”.

This week has been a tremendous week of highs and lows-musically, physically, and emotionally. It has been incredibly rewarding and I feel as we take the stage for our last night that we have done something pretty amazing. We have put on an incredibly difficult musical in FIVE DAYS. Seriously? Who does that?

We do, we did, and we all live happy ever after!

I’m spending the week in Chicago working with friends old and new on a musical benefit performance of Into the Woods. I know the week will be very strenuous, mentally and physically, and I am apt to make poor choices like oversleeping or overeating. I have set some attainable goals with my Holistic Guru this week.

1.  continue avoiding dairy
2.  try writing early morning pages regularly (journaling to help me with positive focus)
3.  back to basics with leafy greens at least 1x per day/ drink plenty of water/ healthier decisions with eating out

I am hoping to stay focused on these basic things to make smart choices. Last night was a good start with dinner out eating a meal with vegetables and lean protein and avoiding dairy! Lots of water to be had today along with a pre-emptive stress nap.

Oh and I believe a run or two along the lake shore path will be required this week to start the day!

Tonight for dinner I really wanted a cheeseburger and fries. But that would have set off a slew of bad choices that I just didn’t want to go through tonight. So…I took a little inspiration from my Dad. Dad has a knack for not wasting food and in the process sometimes mixed together some random stuff. My favorite is when I used to watch him mix together the ends of cereal boxes. Ew!! I would exclaim. But is part of his charm and we’ve come up with some pretty cool stuff because of this unique talent of his (try simmering scallops in peppercorn ranch mixed with salsa…CRAZY GOOD!)

But tonight, good choices it would be and therefore I went “shopping” in my fridge and pantry and ended up with a darn tasty, healthy, fast, one-pot wonder.

Found items:

• Leftover Jasmine rice w/ chopped cilantro (heated up)
• Cup of diced tomatoes
• Pre-minced garlic
• End of its life green onion (white part only)
• Mini-scoop of creme fraiche (optional)

Fridge/Pantry items:

• Can of black beans (drained)
• Cup of frozen chopped kale
• Cumin (healthy scoop)
• Cayenne (splash)
• Salt
• Black Pepper
• Ancho Chili Powder (a shake)

In the pot I sauteed the garlic/onion with a bit of olive oil then added the cumin for toasting. I then added the tomatoes and kale with a teeny bit of water and salt, chili pepper, and cayenne. I added the black beans with a tad more salt and simmered for a bit (maybe 5 min?). Checked the salt and pepper. Then put over the heated rice with a slotted spoon. I had some leftover creme fraiche, which I realize is dairy but I used a teeny amount for texture and it didn’t seem to upset sensitivo tummy.

All I can say is…crazy goodness. And I bet the leftovers will be really good for the very nice man who gets to the explore the fridge when I head to Chicago tomorrow. Mmmmm.

Thanks for the inspiration Dad.