I received a letter yesterday from World Vision telling me that the child I have sponsored for the last five years, Suppawat from Thailand, no longer needs my support. His family has moved out of a place of poverty and into a place of sustainability without help. I never thought I would receive a letter like this. I also didn’t realize that I wouldn’t have the chance to write one last letter or send one last birthday card (his birthday is January 31).

I have never been the greatest sponsor. I have send the funds monthly and signed every little “extra” that WV sends to send to the child, which are never written in Thai. But I have his picture on my desk at home and at work and on the fridge and I pray for him daily. He was a pudgy awkward ten year old and is now a tall, fit teenager. I feel as though we have been through a lot together and now without warning, it has come to an end.

I feel so blessed that God has provided for his family and that they are no longer in a position to need support. For I suppose, this is the true goal. I will continue to pray, and at some point, choose a new child to support. But Suppawat will forever remain my “first born”.

In her thought-provoking sermon today, Rev. Mary Eliot of Christ Church Columbia, reminded us of a question asked at the Advent meditation day in early December.

“What you would do if you were not afraid?”

Afraid of failing, afraid of loss, afraid of response…..

She made connections from this journey through towards the journey of the Magi to seen the newborn Jesus and the fear in the heart of King Herod. Perhaps I am getting her message all wrong, but I could not get past the first question, “what would you do if you were not afraid”

It is this concept of fear that I think prevents me (and so many) from even starting something. Or stops us mid way when we see we might fail. But what is failure? I believe it is the end of one journey and the start of a new one. We simply must embrace failure in small and large doses as a gift that God gives us as part of free will. We are able to learn, to experience, to grow because of these failures. It is only when we do not look at these failures as learning opportunities that we actually fail in the “end”.

So many times in my life I have not done something because of an innate fear of failure. Most notably, not pursuing an opera degree and taking several “safe” jobs. But in those times in which I have jumped over the open water and taken risks or tried something out of the ordinary, it has caused me to stretch beyond who I think I am and grow towards becoming what God wishes me to be. This is a great gift.

So as I look ahead in 2008, what will I do when I am posed with the question “what would you do if you were not afraid?”

I have read on a few other Episcopal-y type blogs about an uproar over the Presiding Bishop’s Christmas card. Particularly, an article from the Episcopal Cafe which shares the Diocese of Fort Worth’s opinion on the matter. While I can understand the point of DoFW with regards to their fear of continual polarization within TEC and the greater Anglican Communion, I feel that this entire things needs a stern look and a “Seriously?”.

In our day when we are struggling with famine, war and atrocities all over the globe, with continued religious persecution, discrimination, financial disparity and countless other systemic issues, are we seriously writing memos of concern over a Christmas card that features women rather than men in adoration of our Christ Jesus? Have we also not come to understand over thousands of years that art is meant to stir the emotions and depict an artists interpretation or celebration, but yet at the core of the matter it is art, not fact?

Our church is under so much scrutiny that it makes being a member of the body that much more difficult. If our simple goal is to follow Jesus and to love one another that is the criticism of a Christmas card the right battle to pick? Isn’t about time that our denomination embrace the unity of the church rather than the disparity? Frankly, isn’t it time that our angry brothers and sisters take a little xanax, so to speak, and embrace our similarities, our shared beliefs and in this case, let art be art.

Today my fourth grade boys gave me hope. I was feeling a little down with the emphasis on the materialism (guess how many kids got an Ipod or cell phone for Christmas?) and the Redskins (who apparently reign supreme in our school). I was feeling like we had come back to school without the renewal of hope that Christmas is supposed to bring that is until I caught wind of a fourth grade boys discussion……

Here is my abbreviated version:
“Did you hear about Britney Spears?”
“Yes, she is messed up.”
“You know about her sister, right?”
“Yup, she’s pregnant and she is NOT married and she is only 16”
“I heard her boyfriend dumped her”

I giggled a bit but a few minutes later when I still heard them speaking about it, I jumped in. (The ever nosy teacher)

“So what do you think about it?” says Nosy Teacher

Boys Reply….
“They canceled Jami’s show, because she is not a good example.”
“They need to get some help for their family”
“She isn’t even married and you think she would have learned to make better choices by watching her sister”
“I hope that they can learn to be okay as a family”

I walked away feeling proud of the fact that while the boys were dwelling on E! channel idle gossip that at least they were making connections to poor choices and rather than make truly hurtful judgments about the situation, such as calling rude names or the like, showing some sort of empathy (on a boy like fourth grade level). They also demonstrated to me that they understand that people make destructive choices and that those who do should not be rewarded with say…extensions on their tv contract for a show that is on Nickelodeon, which caters to the tween set. It was high level thinking as far as I’m concerned and it gave me hope.

No, these are not resolutions. These are goals. Now that I have spent two months in “recovery” from two marathons (aka sitting on the couch with a lot of ice cream), it is time to set my race goals so that I have something to keep me up and honest in the fitness arena.

Here they are:

March 2, 2008-B&A Trail Half Marathon
Goal: Break 1:40
April 20, 2008-Clyde’s American 10K
Goal: Beat PR (47:54)
May 4, 2008-Frederick Half Marathon OR Marathon Relay (tentative due to singing schedule)
Goal: Have fun
June ?, 2008-Pocomoke Sprint Triathlon
Goal: Break 1:30 on the course, improve bike time by at least 5 min.
July 12, 2008-Diamond in the Rough Olympic Triathlon
Goal: Finish an Olympic Distance Tri (this will be my first race in my new age group, thanks USAT)
September 7, 2008-Delaware Diamondman Half Distance Triathlon
Goal: Do not die. Can I really ride 56 miles on my bicycle? Bring on the chamois cream.
October 11, 2008-The Baltimore Marathon (tentative based on Chicago entry)
Goal: If I do Baltimore, it would be for fun. If I get into Chicago, it would be to break 3:55

Other random goals: Spin class, More time in the pool, and make an attempt to try yoga….

ENJOY LIFE BY BEING FIT!

So after almost three weeks of sickness, I went to the Dr. last Friday (thank you, dear sister, for the ride and companionship). My lovely Dr. is soon to be out on maternity leave, but I was able to obtain a same day appointment with a very nice Dr. who has more degrees than letters in his name. 🙂

I would just like to give praise and hail to the ZPack (zithromax) as after ONE dose, I could breathe again. After four doses today I was able to run fairly well and have very little pain.

Yea for prescriptions that actually work.

Happy New Year’s Eve to All.

Happy Day After Christmas readers!

Nothing fancy to say other than had a lovely Christmas with my smart and funny family. (Thank you Adam for teaching me the One-Upper skit from SNL, she is my new favorite character and was a hit at dinner)

Highly recommend the movie “License to Wed” and getting an internal oven thermometer.

Would also like to briefly lament that I have 7 days of vacation left and today, my “pajama day” was spent with my new friend the box of kleenex as Sudafed PE is crap. Thankfully, dear husband is bringing home orange juice. 🙂

More when well readers.

Jesus is BORN!

Peace.

Ran today. Not long (1:15), Not hard (average 9:10/mi). But at least I was out.

The best part, the solitary blue heron standing quietly along the creek near my childhood home. It was just me and the bird, in solitude.

Quiet and beautiful as if we were the only two in the whole of the land. It was as though he knew me and I he as we stood there for a brief moment wondering of each other’s purpose. Careful not to interrupt each other as we moved about our day. I wonder if his thoughts were as scattered as mine. I wonder if I had intruded on his morning meditation by chancing to view his beauty for a short time. Then quietly, with hopes not to disturb, went about my way.

I am feeling drawn this morning to listen to Gabriel’s Message over and over again. It is a Basque carol by Sabine Baring-Gould (1834-1294) that is loosely based on the Magnificat of Mary found in Luke 1:46-55 and the Christmas story of Luke 2. I don’t really think it is the text particularly that is moving me as much as the simplicity of the harmonics. The simple beauty of the polyphony as well as the strophic nature of the piece. As I come down from the rush of getting through the first four months of the school year and look toward the upcoming break, I think it is important that I slow down. This song provides that slowing presence for me.

I think that God provides us winter so that we are forced to slow down. It is highly important at this time of year that we do that to simple sit in wonder at the mystery he gave to us in the form of Jesus Christ.

The Choir of Winchester Cathedral
Sting’s Version
Jars of Clay version

Text:

1. The angel Gabriel from heaven came
His wings as drifted snow his eyes as flame
“All hail” said he “thou lowly maiden Mary,
Most highly favored lady,” Gloria!

2. “For know a blessed mother thou shalt be,
All generations laud and honor thee,
Thy Son shall be Emanuel, by seers foretold
Most highly favored lady,” Gloria!

3. Then gentle Mary meekly bowed her head
“To me be as it pleaseth God,” she said,
“My soul shall laud and magnify his holy name.”
Most highly favored lady. Gloria!

4. Of her, Emanuel, the Christ was born
In Bethlehem, all on a Christmas morn
And Christian folk throughout the world will ever say:
“Most highly favored lady,” Gloria!

Tomorrow is the big Christmas concert at school. My students in grades K-5 have been practicing for six weeks to prepare two songs per group (they are broken into four groups). They have attained a variety of musical objectives along this journey from as small as identifying the genre of spiritual and the background of a song to learning the song from scratch by reading the rhythms and melody off the staff (grade 2!!). They have been working very hard to build strong, in-tune singing voices. They have played instruments as simple as a chord bordun and as difficult as a syncopated pattern. They have listened, reflected, compared and contrasted. They have viewed other versions of their piece on youtube and have listened to other versions without visuals. The children have gone up and down choral risers for two weeks. And now, it is time.

Music programs, for me, are a reflection of the learning that has occurred in the music classroom, not merely standing up and singing pretty songs. Each song has a meaning that the children delve into from both a theoretical and philosophical standpoint. (For example, when singing Rise Up, Shepherd, and Follow-how do we as the “angels” in Luke 2 convince these shepherds to leave their precious sheep and go see a baby, even if it is the Saviour!)

However, as we approach the concert day, I fear not of the success of the performance. I know our children are prepared and will be successful in a variety of ways. They will attain success by having learned so many things and by demonstrating the courage to stand before their peers and elders and performing. I will be incredibly proud, I already am. But my fears lay deeply in the response to our performance. There are many out there who have expectations for performance that I do not understand. Many whom will not truly understand all of the things our children have gained in the preparation process. Many whom will see the parts rather than the whole. And many whom will leave lovely “suggestions” in my inbox before Christmas break. It is this response that gives me anxiety and keeps me from truly enjoying my student’s success.

A dear friend said, “just tell them everything you told me” when I explained my anxiety and my joy of my students learning. I think I am a place where I feel comfortable addressing unfounded or uneducated criticism. I believe that I can share with these critics what has been learned while at the same time respecting their opinions and expectations, however misguided. I know that in the end, all that matters is that the children feel they have had a positive experience.

But in the meantime, the next 24 hours will be only slightly frought with nerves…