You can never fully repair the hole in your heart. It simply becomes a part of you. You mend and you grow and you make peace with it. In his piece in the NY Times, David Melham said it best, “No, what happens is that a weight that initially feels unbearable becomes, in time, manageable.” I feel like this weight has become manageable. It sometimes tears through the mended stitches but it is no longer shredded.
from the Mishkan T’filah
I walk forward. I walk on. I make peace with what has happened to and around me. For I cannot truly live without finding this peace. But, sometimes I walk at a different pace than others and I must make peace with that too. For we all walk the path of forgiveness, acceptance, and resolution in our own time. I want to heed the wisdom of the Mishkan T’filah and live fully. This means risk. It means risking the possibility that the wound will rip open once more. It means risking the possibility of more loss. And, it means risking the possibility of regaining wholeness.
The hole shall live with its stitches but it does not mean I am not whole. It simply means I have to make peace with all that was, with all that is, and with all that will be.