Sacred Scared

I have been mesmerized and inspired by Momastery’s Sacred Scared series. Some of my favorite bloggers have stripped away the make-up, embraced vulnerability, and admitted a fear or insecurity. I will allow you to experience the five days of blogs for yourself, and I encourage you to read them. I will tell you that each one brought out a connection for me. Especially as I ask myself, Am I Enough?

sacredscaredmomastery

So here is my attempt and contribution to the Sacred Scared canon:

I’m Afraid I’ll Never Be Who I Used to Be. 

messyselfie

 

I used to be really fit. I ran a lot. I regularly ran 5-6 miles, 4 days a week and a long run on the weekends. I would go to body pump twice at week. I could run a 5k in 22 minutes. I could break 4 hours in a marathon. I occasionally placed in races locally. I was active in my local club and knew I had running friends all around.  My skin was clear, my pants fit, and everyone always talked about how I was a “runner.”  I became an Ironman triathlete. (While at the same time working two jobs and getting a Master’s degree.) Life was busy, healthy, fit, and happy.

In the last few years, I have lost almost all of that. I run twice a week, if I’m lucky. I rarely exercise. I spend more weekend mornings snuggling on the couch than hitting the pavement. I think a lot about running, but I don’t run. I ran a marathon this fall, sure…but I blew off more workouts than I did and ran my slowest personal marathon to date. My pants (or really any of my clothes) don’t fit. I am uncomfortable with my physical self. I’m embarrassed of the person I’ve become, outside and in.

I’m regularly afraid that I’m a fraud in the running community. I’ve lost friends because I don’t do ultras and I have likely gained a reputation for canceling more than showing up-mostly because I’m afraid I can’t keep up. And I’m afraid that I will never get back to my favorite self again. It is about the scale number too much (though it is disheartening and makes me fear for detrimental health conditions.) It is about being healthy, happy, and being a part of a community that I held so dear for so many years.

I have committed to some short term goals, but I have a lot of long-term work to crawl out of this pit I have created for myself. I owe it to the kids for whom I claim to be a role model. I owe it to my family who deserves a healthy partner, sister, daughter, and aunt. And most of all, I owe it to myself. To be who I know I can be. But it doesn’t stop the fear. The what if? The am I enough?

But with each new day comes an opportunity to begin again. And for that, I am so very grateful.

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