I have been mesmerized and inspired by Momastery’s Sacred Scared series. Some of my favorite bloggers have stripped away the make-up, embraced vulnerability, and admitted a fear or insecurity. I will allow you to experience the five days of blogs for yourself, and I encourage you to read them. I will tell you that each one brought out a connection for me. Especially as I ask myself, Am I Enough?

So here is my attempt and contribution to the Sacred Scared canon:

I’m Afraid I’ll Never Be Who I Used to Be. 

 

I used to be really fit. I ran a lot. I regularly ran 5-6 miles, 4 days a week and a long run on the weekends. I would go to body pump twice at week. I could run a 5k in 22 minutes. I could break 4 hours in a marathon. I occasionally placed in races locally. I was active in my local club and knew I had running friends all around.  My skin was clear, my pants fit, and everyone always talked about how I was a “runner.”  I became an Ironman triathlete. (While at the same time working two jobs and getting a Master’s degree.) Life was busy, healthy, fit, and happy.

In the last few years, I have lost almost all of that. I run twice a week, if I’m lucky. I rarely exercise. I spend more weekend mornings snuggling on the couch than hitting the pavement. I think a lot about running, but I don’t run. I ran a marathon this fall, sure…but I blew off more workouts than I did and ran my slowest personal marathon to date. My pants (or really any of my clothes) don’t fit. I am uncomfortable with my physical self. I’m embarrassed of the person I’ve become, outside and in.

I’m regularly afraid that I’m a fraud in the running community. I’ve lost friends because I don’t do ultras and I have likely gained a reputation for canceling more than showing up-mostly because I’m afraid I can’t keep up. And I’m afraid that I will never get back to my favorite self again. It is about the scale number too much (though it is disheartening and makes me fear for detrimental health conditions.) It is about being healthy, happy, and being a part of a community that I held so dear for so many years.

I have committed to some short term goals, but I have a lot of long-term work to crawl out of this pit I have created for myself. I owe it to the kids for whom I claim to be a role model. I owe it to my family who deserves a healthy partner, sister, daughter, and aunt. And most of all, I owe it to myself. To be who I know I can be. But it doesn’t stop the fear. The what if? The am I enough?

But with each new day comes an opportunity to begin again. And for that, I am so very grateful.

Wow.

I haven’t watched the Biggest Loser in several years. I lost touch with it after my college friend (and musical dance partner) Marty was on the show. I had always yearned for their to be a “Moderate Loser” for people like me who could be just a bit more healthy with 15-20 less lbs. So when I was up early this morning and saw the social media sphere awash in frustration, anger, and sadness about the drastic and seemingly unhealthy weight loss of the winner-I bit and looked up the videos, the tweets, and such.

And I say again, Wow. The reaction from Jillian and Bob was all you needed to see to understand the severity of the weight loss. I compare her physical appearance to an elite marathon runner, very muscular, but very very very thin. But even as I compare her to the power duo of Kara and Shalane, she still seems so very very thin to me. I applaud her desire to grow, to change her life completely, to become healthy and fit, but I fear there was no one along the way to stay STOP. Well done, now that is enough.

I don’t blame Rachel, the winner. She was driven. I don’t particularly even blame NBC. Their focus is ratings and money. (Though I seriously think it is time for a conversation about presenting a healthy, realistic approach to diet/exercise.) I don’t blame the trainers, they did a great job and sent her to finish the job on her own. I don’t really blame anyone. I don’t know this woman and I don’t know how she feels, how she lost the final 45 pounds, or the state of her current mind.

But I wonder…what does this modern example of extreme weight loss-turned into “winning”-say about the value of health and fitness in our culture? The backlash would certainly indicate that the populous knows the extreme, but we still awarded hundreds of thousands of dollars to someone for breaking their body into bone and skin. What does this image provide for our girls? Who we are trying to keep healthy and fit while balancing strong mental health and a positive body image?

And in light of all of this…how do preserve our own value when the popular, prime time culture is saying…be skinny! Skinny is great! I haven’t been skinny since 7th grade and I’m ok with that, but I certainly know that skinny has a higher cultural value than fit or soft.

I value health. I value belief in oneself. I value positive self image. I value fitness. I value teaching our girls that skinny doesn’t always mean healthy and soft doesn’t always mean sick. I value honesty. I value so many things that I fear weren’t represented in the “winning” loser last night. And I hope that I am the majority.

What do you think?

I’m in a rut bloggy friends. I’ve become really good friends with my couch and my chromecast. I think my running shoes have forgotten my name and I’m pretty sure that the only food group I’ve consistently consumed in the last month is sugar. It is taking its toll on my body and mind. And it’s time to stop. I briefly noted a post on facebook about declaring one’s goals and making them public so I’m going with the SMART goals approach (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound) and committing to a few small things for February. My hope and prayer is that my social media peeps will help me stay on track for just one month. And then we shall re-assess.

1. Continue Daily Bible Study
2. Complete 8 swims with L4 Swimming (I’m so nervous to try this new group!)
3. Complete 8 runs of at least 2 miles
4. Reduce sugar and complete Phase I of the 21 Day Sugar Detox
5. Read Brene Brown’s “The Gift of Imperfection” and reflect upon what it means to be whole
6. Connect and reach out to others at work rather than waiting for them to come to me
7. Serve others with joy, not grumpiness
8. Vegetables. Yes. Vegetables. Green Ones.

So there you go, 8 goals for the remainder of February. I realize that some of them are not SMART in nature (how do you measure serving with joy?!) but I’m ok with that. I’m most concentrated on the 8 runs and swims and the DSD. Taking control of these physical elements will go a long way in a return to health.

I DECLARE these things to you. Can you help me stay committed?!