I get worked up about a lot of things. (Insert you, dear readers who know me, saying “duh”) Lately, I have been getting so worked up that it has started to bubble and I’ve become a version of myself that I don’t particularly like. (ooh bad grammar…alas, press on.) I have found that bitterness is welling up in my like Vesuvius and I’m not quite sure what will happen when it pops. I have been a drain on my friends and family and I’m not proud of it.
I read this blog post today from Cool Cat Christian which made me have a momentary realization of my current state of being. Pow! Convicted. Totally Me. So here I am, finally sitting after a 12 hour day which included working, class, and dealing with the horrifying safeway pharmacy, and though I should be packing, I am meandering upon being the Dead Sea.
“why don’t you just find something to be positive about in the morning”, said the wise woman as I went on a diatribe about my feelings on the election, state of testing in schools, accountability of humans to one another, or whatever benign topic I had chosen. That was when I realized I needed a break from being mad. I decided to unplug from my morning NPR because I knew I would get worked up. I knew I had to tread the blog and pundit waters with trepidation this morning so that I would not get worked up. I knew I couldn’t think too hard about my career path or relationship status because I would get uber-worked up. But alas, I decided to go to pick up my prescription and alas, got worked up. Darn I had made it almost 10 hours with generally feeling calm-ish.
But that Dead Sea thing really hit me about mid day. It was in reading it that I have come to realize the negative repercussions that I must be having on my dear friends and family. I know that I have lost really important things, the biggest and most important thing next to God, because of myself. So how can I fix myself and this whole “passionate about everything” problem?
Paul tells us in his letter to the Philippians: “Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” 4:8.
So I suppose my question is–How to let go? How to think upon these things and let the rest fall away? I suppose that is the essence of faith. Casting those things upon the Lord. Oh, but faith is scary business. Who will I be if I let go of those things which keep me so wound tight? Will I like that person? Will others? Will I be “good”. And yet again comes the vicious cycle of my inability to not get worked up.
As always, dear reader, I have no answers. I just have questions. I also have a serious smack of humility as I must go sheepishly to my friends and family and ask forgiveness for being a Dead Sea to them for so long now. Ah but what is forgiveness without repentance? And yet another series of questions begins.
Wishing you peace dear reader. Peace that comes from casting your cares on the Lord and not asking for them back.